Panic A-craics

HELLO!

This day last year I posted my first (and only) post on awaywiththefigaries 

I have been meaning to write (PROMISE!) but  every time I sat down to do so, nothing came out. "I have anxiety, it's shit. blah blah blah" 

I was so completely overwhelmed with the unexpected response that it got and I'm still getting emails and tweets about it which is so lovely! 

Thank you to everyone who liked, commented, shared and took the time to read my little blog. I'm so glad it had an impact on people.

 Sorry this is only going to be a short post, I will write more in the coming months but for now, heres a little catch up of whats been going on in my life the past year: 

Last January I was in a very very different pace than I am now. My anxiety and panic disorder was still at severe levels as well as the associated agoraphobia which effected everything such as school, social life and exams. 

As well as this, I had just started taking a small dose of medication*  and my body was in an awkward stage of getting used to it. 


To start medication was a last resort for me, I tried everything before considering medication. I looked at it as something only really sick, strange people would do. I was completely ignorant toward it. That’s because it’s not spoken about enough. I hadn’t realised how many people of my own age, younger and older were on medication to aid them with their mental health. It’s something thats usually whispered about, not openly discussed because of the way it is perceived by many.  I researched and learned more about medication, the type I would be having to take every day, the effects, etc.
I found this amazing post through tumblr about women tweeting Antidepressant selfies to fight mental health stigma : Kick- Ass women on Medication  
Being on medication was the right thing to do for my personal case; it may not be in other’s cases. 

*I in no way believe that medication is 'the answer' and I'm not recommending you take medication. Just because It has worked for me does not mean it will work for everyone. My case was particularly severe and my family and I did a huge amount of research before deciding anything, as well as getting multiple professional's advice. I respect people's opinions, but I'd rather not hear negative things regarding my choice to use medication.  

It's tempting to think that my success has been because of the medication, but I know that's not the case. It was my strength and the crazy amount of time and energy I put in to making myself me again. I finally feel attached to myself, grounded and I'm not scared to have fun anymore. It's like breaking out of a tiny little cell in to the real world; a bit over whelming but the most freeing, amazing feeling.


In March, I started integrating back in to school going for 1 lunch time here and there and finally a class. After this I was able to go to school for a few classes a day and take the school bus home; something I didn't think I would ever be able to do again at the start of last year.

I never made it in to school for a full day, but that didn't matter to me. I was able to go in for my irish oral with confidence and I could study a bit at home. 

I had already had myself convinced back in January that I wasn't going to be able to do my Leaving Cert and I had to come to terms with that. But when I started back in school I made it my goal to sit the Leaving Cert.(I know, who in there right mind would want to do that? But hey, I wasn’t in my right mind so LOL) And I did.With a huge amount of hard work and support, weekly visits to the psychologist, mediation and a huge amount of pushing through my anxiety (which was getting easier to cope with every day),  I sat every single one of those fuckers and ended up getting great results in each exam. (wat)   And I did it with no panic attacks, no huge amounts of anxiety. I had qualified for the Dare scheme which is a scheme in schools for the Leaving Cert for people physical or mental disabilities. This meant I had a room to myself with a lovely supervisor, which took some of the stress off.

Since then, my entire life has changed. 

I've been on planes, on holiday, done drama courses and done auditions and been cast in roles. My creativity has come back and I write all of the time. I'm in college now and I have a job teaching children drama.  
I genuinely can't remember the last time I had a panic attack. 

The last year was extremely challenging. I could not see an end to everything that was going on. 

Late 2014 and early 2015, I couldn't see a future for myself. I wouldn't have ever imagined I would be so healthy and happy this year. I learned so much about humans in general as well as myself last year. I have grown as a person, (not just my thighs but my heart too) and I learned to accept that life ain't always peachy, but because of the journey I went to, I now appreciate my life so so much more than i ever thought possible. I suppose I'm writing this so anyone going through anything similar to what I was going through knows that no matter how unbelievably bad things seem, they can get so so so much better. I promise.  (More to come soon!)